{"id":12244,"date":"2020-11-16T20:00:43","date_gmt":"2020-11-16T19:00:43","guid":{"rendered":"https:\/\/semmelweis.hu\/szinapszis\/?p=7415"},"modified":"2020-11-16T20:00:43","modified_gmt":"2020-11-16T19:00:43","slug":"beautiful-she-was-so-beautiful-and-yet-gloomy-like-the-withering-autumn-woods-full-of-colour-and-yet-decay-overfilling-with-vibrancy-and-yet-soaked-in-death","status":"publish","type":"post","link":"https:\/\/semmelweis.hu\/hok\/en\/2020\/11\/16\/beautiful-she-was-so-beautiful-and-yet-gloomy-like-the-withering-autumn-woods-full-of-colour-and-yet-decay-overfilling-with-vibrancy-and-yet-soaked-in-death\/","title":{"rendered":"\u201cBeautiful, She was so beautiful, and yet gloomy, like the withering autumn woods, full of colour and yet decay. Overfilling with vibrancy, and yet soaked in death.\u201d"},"content":{"rendered":"

Editor: Zs\u00f3fi B\u00e1novics<\/em><\/span><\/p>\n

\u201eBeautiful,<\/span>
<\/span>She was so beatiful, and yet<\/span>
<\/span>gloomy, like the withering<\/span>
<\/span>autumn woods, full of colour<\/span>
<\/span>and yet decay.<\/span>
<\/span>Overfilling with vibrancy, and yet
<\/span>soaked in death.\u201d<\/span><\/em><\/span><\/p>\n

Original poem: Pilinszky J\u00e1nos: Kalandoz\u00e1s a t\u00fck\u00f6rben (1974)<\/span><\/em><\/span><\/p>\n

I ended up here again.<\/span><\/p>\n

\u00a0I shouldn\u2019t even be surprised, that once more I\u2019m at a place that we used to visit together.\u00a0 Back then, of course, you created an entirely different atmosphere, nothing seemed so dark. For you, even the Sun shone. You\u2019ve always been good at this; making even the most average little things seem extraordinary. But I try not to think of this now, because I really am over you, and what a lucky feeling it is, not to think about you. I can never gather up the courage to invite you here, but even still, I always leave a bit of space next to me just in case you show up. The chance of that happening is most likely less than zero, but I\u2019ve gotten quite used to things turning negative when it comes to you. If you were here now, you would surely sing odes about the harmony of the yellowing leaves and the sunshine, and I would listen to it all with sparkling eyes. Not because they engross me so much, but rather because of you. I like to watch as your entire facial expression changes, when you talk about something you love so much.<\/span><\/p>\n

\u00a0Autumn is my favourite season, but not because of you, I promise. Even on my own, I used to love the smell of leaves and the quiet sound of rain hitting the windows all the same. You were exceptional. Or perhaps that\u2019s just what I believed you to be, and you were quick to prove, that there really are no exceptions, and even if there were, they would only be good to prove the rule. Although I knew very well, even back then, that for you I too was just that particular thing. Something that you had to, something that you needed, something that you didn\u2019t really want, but still. Just for the fun of it. Because why not. Because there was no one else, and I was around. Because you didn\u2019t have anything else to do.\u00a0 Because my smile was pretty. It didn\u2019t really capture your attention that much, but still. It was pretty. Because I was nice, but not really what you were looking for. But still, nice. And well, you needed something. Something that wasn\u2019t me. You really could\u2019ve told me, that every time we saw each other you were thinking of someone else. I know you don\u2019t like to talk about yourself, but we could\u2019ve squeezed in this much, trust me. To be fair though, I also kept a couple of things from you. But how was I supposed to announce the intuition, that if we put my soul and yours in front of a mirror, they\u2019d be exact replicas of one another? I knew that you felt similarly about someone entirely different. One time you almost let your tongue slip, and afterwards you had such a remorsefully sad expression on your face, that I actually believed you were sorry.\u00a0 After that you pretended to love me again, but each one of your actions just screamed regret. That particular afternoon, I could have noticed that you were staring into the distance once too often.<\/span><\/p>\n

\u00a0There were signs even from the beginning, but I decided to wilfully ignore them. One time, I was sitting in my favourite caf\u00e9 with a pen in my hand; I wanted to write about you, for you. My thought wandered off, as it usually happens when I\u2019m bewitched by you. I was pondering about our future, already half-certain that it was never going to come. I didn\u2019t even notice that I had coloured almost the entire page black. It wasn\u2019t the pen\u2019s fault; our future projected across the paper like midnight poison. I could\u2019ve let you go sooner, but instead I spent a little more time with you. The suffering afterwards was going to hurt the same either way, so I decided to use up our remaining days wisely, and at least be with you for a bit longer. Of course, the fact that you were the one to show me how pretty passing can be, doesn\u2019t mean that you\u2019re the first one that comes to my mind about everything. I\u2019ve already forgotten you, and anyway, how lucky it is that I no longer think about you.\u00a0<\/span><\/p>\n

Even walking along this quay now, you\u2019re not the one I think of. The time I made you laugh at this exact bench so much that you almost fell over doesn\u2019t even come to mind. I believe back then I already knew I loved you, but I never wanted to say it. I was afraid of the weight of the words, but of course even without saying it you already knew. Perhaps you realised before me. You\u2019re the only one that I could make laugh so hard. And afterwards, you looked at me with such a wondering smile that it made me feel like if you really wanted to, you could love me too. But then you told me at least a hundred times that I don\u2019t even know you, and never once stopped to think that perhaps it\u2019s actually you who doesn\u2019t know yourself. Maybe because that would\u2019ve been too ironic, and you\u2019ve never liked irony. You couldn\u2019t understand it, but you never would\u2019ve admitted that.<\/span><\/p>\n

\u00a0If I had suspected then, what the end was going to be, I would\u2019ve stayed a little longer, but I didn\u2019t want to wake up alone again, with only your empty words next to me. But this all doesn\u2019t matter anymore, since I no longer even think about you. Finally, I\u2019ve made it here. If I hadn\u2019t long forgotten you, I would think about how this was the place where I first saw you. It wasn\u2019t love at first sight. It couldn\u2019t have been, they say it doesn\u2019t even exist.\u00a0<\/span><\/p>\n

Those who claim this have most certainly never met you.\u00a0<\/span><\/p>\n

\u00a0Now, the wind is blowing, and it\u2019s a bit colder as well, but the \u201cI\u2019d die for you\u201d feeling I have in me hasn\u2019t changed one bit since we\u2019ve met. Maybe that\u2019s the issue with feelings. They stay, even when we beg them to leave. I lean across the railing. From here, it doesn\u2019t even seem that deep anymore. I strikes me again, that I can\u2019t live in constant fear of the next time you\u2019ll show up in my dreams. There\u2019s not much left to reflect on, as I swing over, my determination remains rock-solid. Now it\u2019s all quiet, not just around me, but inside me as well. The words get stuck.<\/span><\/p>\n

You don\u2019t even cross my mind as I\u2019m falling down. There\u2019s a certain kind of exceptional beauty about it, just like you, but now, I couldn\u2019t think of you even if I wanted to. I don\u2019t mind, since I needed something else anyway. Something, that finally wasn\u2019t you. I have no regrets, as everything that I ever knew and believed to be life falls apart around me.<\/span><\/p>\n

\u00a0After all, you were the one to show me how wonderful passing can be.<\/span><\/p>\n","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":"

I ended up here again.
\n\u00a0I shouldn\u2019t even be surprised, that once more I\u2019m at a place that we used to visit together.\u00a0 Back then, of course, you created an entirely different atmosphere, nothing seemed so dark. For you, even the Sun shone. You\u2019ve always been good at this; making even the most average little things seem extraordinary.<\/p>\n","protected":false},"author":101958,"featured_media":7412,"comment_status":"closed","ping_status":"closed","sticky":false,"template":"","format":"standard","meta":{"_acf_changed":false,"footnotes":""},"categories":[591],"tags":[],"class_list":["post-12244","post","type-post","status-publish","format-standard","has-post-thumbnail","hentry","category-synapsis"],"acf":[],"publishpress_future_action":{"enabled":false,"date":"1970-01-01 01:00:00","action":"","terms":[],"taxonomy":"","browser_timezone_offset":0},"_links":{"self":[{"href":"https:\/\/semmelweis.hu\/hok\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts\/12244","targetHints":{"allow":["GET"]}}],"collection":[{"href":"https:\/\/semmelweis.hu\/hok\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts"}],"about":[{"href":"https:\/\/semmelweis.hu\/hok\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/types\/post"}],"author":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/semmelweis.hu\/hok\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/users\/101958"}],"replies":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/semmelweis.hu\/hok\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/comments?post=12244"}],"version-history":[{"count":0,"href":"https:\/\/semmelweis.hu\/hok\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts\/12244\/revisions"}],"wp:featuredmedia":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/semmelweis.hu\/hok\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/media\/7412"}],"wp:attachment":[{"href":"https:\/\/semmelweis.hu\/hok\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/media?parent=12244"}],"wp:term":[{"taxonomy":"category","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/semmelweis.hu\/hok\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/categories?post=12244"},{"taxonomy":"post_tag","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/semmelweis.hu\/hok\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/tags?post=12244"}],"curies":[{"name":"wp","href":"https:\/\/api.w.org\/{rel}","templated":true}]}}